Thursday, April 27, 2006

Bobby just got back from his meeting and he's telling me about how this speaker gave the best message he's ever heard... stay tuned... got to go...

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Ok, hopefully most of you by reading my postings will see how much na rules a person's life. Bobby is a decent person but when you're around something for long enough it does start to rub off on you. He even admits that he has a meeting problem and being so caught up, but he still can't get out. I guess admitting you have a problem is a giant step, but getting him to do something about it won't work, he will have to do it himself. I try as hard as I can not to say anything about them anymore, and he tries not to mention them (although he can't help himself, besides it takes up a big part of his life, so naturally he is going to talk about it.) I know that the theory of na is a good thing and it has helped some people, but the ones that get stuck in it, just continue to stay sick. They may be off drugs, but their behavior is not growing up. One of the problems is that when a person starts on drugs their mentality stops growing at the age they started.... until they get off. So if they started using at the age of 17 their mentality is like that of a 17 year old. I think that explains why a lot of the group members act like teenagers in many ways, which is difficult for family members to deal with. It's like dealing with a young adult.

Ok believe he went to his usual lunchtime meeting (the dreaded one for me). I could be totally wrong, but I doubt it. One time when I wish I was wrong. Now he is at his friends house writing a screenplay. I'm at home alone.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Bobby went to a na meeting today at noon (his usual "non-meeting) I pretty much figure this because he shuts his phone off during this time, then usually calls me afterwards but this is the only meeting he tries not to talk about. I won't even go into why I dislike this particular meeting place so much, nice a nice story(but a typical story for na, only this time it effected me). He went to the movies with Javier this afternoon, now he's at an na guy's house writing - he went there at 9:30pm.

Monday, April 24, 2006

We talked things out, so things are back to "normal".

He went to one meeting this afternoon and another one tonight. In the middle of our dinner Bangel called to say that he was going to the meeting Bobby goes to because so and so is going to speak there tonight so he quickly finished his dinner and off he went. na has spoken!!! He talks all this nasty stuff about Bangel but yet when Bangel calls off he runs. I know what he would say if he was reading this... that he was planning on going to a meeting anyway. Bangel is one of the typical leeches in the 12 step program. He uses people to get anything that he needs. He is in his 30's totally capable to work and he collects, the only reason he is working part time now is because he was forced into it or they would cut off his benefits... so he grudgedly went to work.... he tried to get out of it but couldn't.. remember the 12 step program encourages you not to work, not a good pressure wise thing to do.

Bangel used Bobby like crazy until even Bobby got tired of it. Bangel refuses to bring his girlfriend (they have a baby together) because it would mess up with him messing around with different women that he also uses. One woman kept going back to him and being used... unbelieveable how many times he got away with it... and she even knew he was living with someone. The one unsaid rule in the 12 step program that I see people doing over and over again... whether you're married or not... its acceptable to mess around behind your partners back.... very acceptable. So watch out if you have a partner in the 12 step program... the more meetings they go to the greater chance that they will end up cheating on you... I know this from personal experience and watching it happen to so many others. And if you have a young son or daughter in the 12 step program... you'd better really make sure they don't get caught up in it... I could tell you horror stories.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

He left at 7:30pm to go off to another meeting. Two meetings today. Ok why do I hate these meeting they are like toxic material... if you are standing nearby you'll smell it so you'll be affected a little by it, but if you get too close you'll get sick and definitely infected. How can you get clean and healthy by hanging around toxic material for meeting after meeting each and every day... plus they have dances on the weekends!

Ok he's back from his meeting. He's in the living room on his laptop and I'm in the office typing this... pathetic aren't we... probably just like many couples across the U.S. when having a fight...together but in seperate worlds. I'll have to really explain on the next post why I (and so many others) feel the way about na and the 12 step programs like I do.

Ok, Bobby and I had a fight this morning... and guess where he ran to... I know you already guessed it, but I'll say it anyway... yes he ran right to a 12 step meeting. I think he starts fights just so that he can get out of whatever we have planned so he can go to a meeting that he was already planning to go to... I've thought that many times. He does start fights with people so he can get out of things he doesn't want to do, I'm not sure if he's aware he does it or not... hmmmmm Oh well, and once again he made me feel guilty about wanting to do somthing other than working on either his stuff or my stuff on my day off, while he's at his meeting, guess that's a part of his control thing... hmmmmm So I'm at home working, as usual while he's at a meeting, instead of doing what I'd like to be doing... taking a ride just to get away from this place.... got no one to blame but myself for that one... but I don't want to hear his mouth. I'm responsible for this mornings outburst, have to learn to keep my thoughts to myself, they always just come out. Well at least he's at a place where he can talk to someone about it and get it out while I hold it inside, since I can't talk to him about it, and at the 12 step meetings the whole world knows our business... they love to hear when your down, makes them feel better that they aren't the only miserable ones. That's why he won't talk it out with me, because he has the meetings to run to... its so automatic. Remember I'm to blame for everything, don't ever forget that, everythings my fault. Yep it's me. I want to control everything... I want to have security... I want to have some safety money in the bank... I want a better place to live... I don't want to see him give everything away to the leeches in na that want to always take from him, and they always do... the breakfasts, lunches and dinners that he's brought for others on his charge cards and last money in his pocket... the cell phones, food for their homes...clothes... free rides....free books... free cd's.... hey Bobby will get it for me... Bobby's good for a ride.... go ahead take from him, he's a freebie... he won't ask for it back... Bobby likes to do it for me... me me me... na stands for me. Well now I'm like na... broadcasting my business to the whole world...

Friday, April 21, 2006

Bobby went to a poetry reading, he hasn't been to any lately because the meetings took him away from them, which is very sad since they mean so much to him, and he has friends in that circle. One thing I notice lately is that the more he gets away from the meetings (remember he was going to at least 2 per day) the nicer and more serene he becomes. When you hang around mostly negative people it rubs off on you definitely. I'm not saying that all people in 12 step meetings are negative, but lets face it the majority of them are. I've sat in on many meetings over the past 6 years, I've watched the effects of what they do to Bobby. The very thing that's supposed to save you and make you healthy may start off that way, but then when the very people are there to get the help grab hold of you, its over. Go ahead say it isn't so... I dare you... I even double dare you... too afraid the 12 step police might say get you???

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Hi... Bobby is at his Thursday night meeting so I'm typing away, this is one of two meetings that he actually plans for. He has commitments at both these meetings. I'm not sure what the commitment is here, but the one on Sunday is that he has to get guest speakers. Some meetings have guest speakers and some don't. They don't always like his choice of speakers because he includes caucasion people and some in this group don't like that choice, at least that's what he says. I've been to this meeting with him once, and couldn't wait to get out... too many people crammed into one room. Meetings meetings meetings meetings..... better get to that meeting or you're going to use!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Tonight Bobby is at his meeting or should I say a "non meeting". The 12 step program is just like a cult. They program you to think that the meetings are the most important thing in the world... more important than your family... your job.... your education... even yourself. They prey on young people that come in that might have just been experimenting with drinking or drugs like a lot of teenagers... but the ones in the rooms that get sucked in will be programmed to believe that for the rest of their lives they need the rooms to keep them clean and sober, while they meanwhile hang around people that might not be so "clean". The rooms are like a perpetual high school where the participants never grow up... the only ones that have a chance are the ones that get away and don't use... but lead normal lives away from the rooms and realize how sick the behavior in the rooms were. To have to say "My name is Bobby and I'm an addict" for every single meeting, like you'd ever forget. Is like loosing weight but still saying everyday... "Hi My name is Felice and I'm Fat" every single day of your life, even when your thin. A constant reminder of what you once were... never being allowed to move on with your life and close that one chapter.... always being reminded, especially when your around people that are stuck in the same mode that you are... being told not to pursue anything that might interrupt their recovery. Imagine being encouraged not to go to school because it will be too stressful and might hurt your recovery. Ok I've said enough for today...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Busy week. I'm still trying to get the hang of blogging. If there's anyone that has any hints and is willing to share them, please do.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Boyfriend and I went to a government auction today and what a waste of time. Bobby brought a Audiovox and when we priced it at home found out he paid way too much for it. From what I saw a lot of people overpaid, except for maybe the huge lots of clothing and jewelry. You get caught up in the moment, that's what the auctioneers want.

So tonight he's at a meeting (another "non meeting"), to get out what happened today I'm sure. Tonight I'm actually glad he went, too much togetherness today, and he was crabby when we got home.

I think this week he only missed one day of meetings.... he's still hooked, and he's in denial, sometimes he still going to two meetings a day, just not healthy, but I can't say or do anything, that would just make it even worse.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Well Bobby (my boyfriend) went to the doctors office today... he has to get a brain scan, because he's been getting headaches. He came back from there and went to a step meeting and then asked a few people there if he should tell me about it, which luckily he did. I'm going to go with him when he goes to get it done.

Then he went to another meeting tonight because they were going to have a celebration and were going to have ziti. So two of his "non meetings" again. I think I'm getting numb to the meetings, I dont let them get to me like they used to, they have their hold on him and there is nothing I can do about it. I am powerless (like they would say in a 12 step meeting). I finally gave up about two weeks ago. Trying to stay strong dealing with the meetings, which is a 24 hour thing. I hope I don't end up feeling like Resus's wife... that she feels she needs to make an appointment to be with her husband because the meetings are such a strong part of his life and everything else revolves around them. I know the feeling.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

We argued today about stupid stuff last night, and it spilled over to this morning. I should have gone to sleep before I set him off asking the same question about a movie we were watching a second time (or by his account for the 4th time) ... things got way overblown... more is bothering him than what we argued about. He's went to his usual Sunday meeting tonight. We didn't hang out too much today, much better for the two of us.

He almost went to a meeting tonight but changed his mind on the way there, we went to the movies instead, and had a nice time.